I have a date?
But he told me to carry on as I normally would.
I don’t know. We’ll see.
He broke the silence ONCE at 10am exactly today. I ate something small for lunch and managed to keep it down.
The silence is breaking again now, and I’m cautious. Extremely, exceedingly cautious. Estimating more silence to come soon.
But it’s been broken.
No, it’s okay. I’ve been thinking about things, too, and it’s okay. I understand it. If this is what’s going to make you happy, I respect that.
But, you know, that last weekend when we were together and happy? You came upstairs to check on me, and you got into bed next to me, and you told me that you loved me. And I know that you were drunk and probably thought I wouldn’t remember, but that’s not the kind of thing you just forget.
I never got to tell you that I loved you too. This all happened so fast, and all I’ve been thinking about is that you might be gone forever and I never told you. You have no idea. I will never forgive myself for that.
I meant what I said about being on the serious track with you. I know there are some obstacles coming up in our path, but I’m looking at them and saying, “I see these big, scary things and I want to get through them with you.” Where I think you’re saying, “No, those obstacles are too big.”
And if that’s the case, then, you’re right: it is better to get out now before serious damage happens. So, it’s time for me to go.
You will get through this. Through this night, this week, and this whole situation. I know it.
16. Take in enough toxins to make you cry. Cry until you get sick. Empty yourself out and feel how hollow and vacant every part of you is. Feel disgusted. Do it again. Repeat. Repeat.
17.Realize the answer has to be no if they come back. They left you once and they’ll leave you again. They. Don’t. Want. You. Realize you might be relieved if they don’t come back. Make yourself sick again.
18. Take something strong enough to knock yourself out for at least fifteen hours. Wake up and demand to return to the nothingness. Wake up and forget for nine seconds. Why nine? Because today you only forgot for eight.